Nation(alities)

I haven’t written in a while, going to do my best to get caught up! I will give a quick summary of what has happened since I last wrote: went to Oaxaca twice for research visits, went to the beaches in Oaxaca with my friend Lourdes on vacation, participated in a really awesome telecommunications conference at CIDE, celebrated the reelection of Obama, and yesterday celebrated Thanksgiving. I have been learning more about what direction I want my career to go in and about what kind of person I am and who I want to be. Living here is a challenge, no doubt about it. I want to take this time to do a bit of reflecting one particular topic: Identity.

I am going to write a little bit on how my identity has been challenged and reaffirmed here. It’s something that’s not terribly easy to write about, but I’m hoping other folks can relate to and understand a little bit more about transnationalism, globalization, and migration affect identity formation. This takes me back to Oberlin days and discussing Latinidad with my people of La Alianza and in Gina’s and Pablo’s courses. I haven’t felt the need to write about those issues again until now. Feedback and comments are more than welcome.

First off, I identify as a Chicana. This is a term Mexican Americans have used to identify themselves, and it has politicized and radical roots. I also identify as a woman, an American, a feminist, and a researcher among many other terms. But this piece is specifically about my ethnic and cultural identity. To be perfectly frank, I have struggled with what it means to be a Chicana abroad for a long time (what it means in a U.S. context is also of interest to me, but I want to focus on what it means outside of the U.S.), and had some anxiety about living in Mexico precisely because I was afraid of how people would see me. I was afraid of being judged. When I found out about the opportunity to come to CIDE, I realized it was an invaluable experience professionally and personally, and I could not pass it up.

A LITTLE CONTEXT

Mexico has a historically and current conflict-ridden relationship with the US. There are economic policies like NAFTA and immigration policies that have certainly, in my opinion, benefit the US disproportionately and do not consider Mexican needs (to put it lightly). Also, for Mexicans who have had experience in the US have likely found a racism and discrimination that squelched any hope of generating a positive relationship between the two countries. Americans promote rhetoric of the American Dream and our history of “mixed heritage” on one hand, yet policies and societal behavior indicate an insipid xenophobia.

However, there is still a strong embrace of certain aspects of American culture in Mexico. Mexicans still want to immigrate, do business, vacation, study, or work in the U.S. There are also a plethora of American products and customs that have “crossed over” into Mexico (stores like Walmart and traditions such as Halloween and Thanksgiving). One common trend is for Mexicans to go to the U.S. just to go shopping because the prices are so much cheaper. There appears, to me, to be some guilt associated with this. It is hard for people to say they like something about a country and a culture that continues to promote discriminatory policies against their own country. The story is much more complicated, but the point is there is a complex and sometimes contradictory history between the U.S. and Mexico.

LABELS

When I have been abroad in the past (France, Guatemala, Peru, etc.), people generally do not understand how an American can look like me (aka not white). When I explain my parents are of Mexican descent they say one of two things: “Oh, so you’re Mexican” or “Uhh, what?” It’s not an easy concept to explain, but here in Mexico people are very aware of the fact that there are people in the U.S. of Mexican origin or descent. What to call them? Now that is where it gets interesting. Are they Mexican? American? (Note: Saying you are “American” in Spanish generally gets people mad because all people from the continents of North and South America are considered “American”, despite their nationality.) The idea of finding some term “in between” is difficult both in the U.S. and abroad. I chose Chicana because I feel is accurately represents what my identity means to me, but there are a variety of other terms not based on nationality.

Here in Mexico, I am a gringa (a common term for Americans). The official term for Americans is estadounidense….yeah, doesn’t exactly roll of the tongue. A lot of people will just say gringo (for men) or gringa (for women) because it’s easier, but it can also be used to express historically rooted anger/frustration/hatred of those north of the border. I accept the term gringa, mostly because while I was in Peru I found gringa to be a relatively neutral term for any white foreigner. However, I have sensed a judgmental use of the word gringa and against me. I have also been told by Mexicans here in D.F. that gringo is used in a negative context commonly, but not exclusively.

My speech has also been called pocho. This term, in my U.S. experience, is a negative way of saying someone of Mexican descent is using a mix of English and Spanish, implying they have lost their respect for Mexico and Spanish, bastardizing the language. In D.F., I have heard the term quite a bit, not always in a negative context, but still referring to an integration of English into primarily Spanish rhetoric. At first it was painful to be called pocha, or to have my speech be called pocho, and have accepted that its use here is somewhat different than in my U.S. context.

GOING HOME

I consider the U.S. home. I was born and raised there, and most of my family is there. It will be interesting to go back and see how my identity will be viewed. Before coming, a few people jokingly commented, “Oh, you’ll do just fine in Mexico, it’s not totally a foreign country for you”. Well, ummm, last time I checked, it is. My heritage does not give me an innate sense of belonging to a land I have only visited a few times. It reminds me when my 1^st grade teacher asked me to explain to the class some Mexican history (Cinco de Mayo, specifically). Really? First of all, I am, like, what, 5 years old. Second of all, I have been sitting in the same classroom as everyone else for the past, ummm, year. If you haven’t taught us Mexican history, how am I to know? Ah of course, the Aztec gods of my ancestors will beam down some knowledge to me. (Sorry, I will try to drop a bit of the snarkiness :P) But, point being, I love Mexico, Mexican culture, my family, and my heritage. But, that does not give me the right to claim a nationality and identity not my own.

While I am so happy to be in D.F. and spend time in Mexico, it is not my home. I do have roots here, yes, without a doubt. I also am proud to claim Mexican heritage. But, at the same time, I was not raised here. I do not know what it means to be Mexican, and I do not feel correct claiming an understanding or identity that is not mine. While I would be proud to be Mexican, I have not found that just because my parents are of Mexican heritage I can claim that identity. Being here in Mexico, I am treated like a foreigner, which is perfectly fine. Because I am.

This is just my own opinion and thoughts, and I am certain other Latinos and Chicanos born and/or raised in the U.S. have a WIDE range of experiences and opinions. My point is just that. We all have our own individual experiences and identity, and nationality is just one part of it. Any thoughts are more than welcome! Thanks for reading ya’ll J