I haven’t written in a while, going to do my best to get
caught up! I will give a quick summary of what has happened since I last wrote:
went to Oaxaca twice for research visits, went to the beaches in Oaxaca with my
friend Lourdes on vacation, participated in a really awesome telecommunications
conference at CIDE, celebrated the reelection of Obama, and yesterday
celebrated Thanksgiving. I have been learning more about what direction I want
my career to go in and about what kind of person I am and who I want to be.
Living here is a challenge, no doubt about it. I want to take this time to do a
bit of reflecting one particular topic: Identity.
I am going to write a little bit on how my identity has been
challenged and reaffirmed here. It’s something that’s not terribly easy to
write about, but I’m hoping other folks can relate to and understand a little
bit more about transnationalism, globalization, and migration affect identity
formation. This takes me back to Oberlin days and discussing Latinidad with my
people of La Alianza and in Gina’s and Pablo’s courses. I haven’t felt the need
to write about those issues again until now. Feedback and comments are more
than welcome.
First off, I identify as a Chicana. This is a term Mexican
Americans have used to identify themselves, and it has politicized and radical
roots. I also identify as a woman, an American, a feminist, and a researcher
among many other terms. But this piece is specifically about my ethnic and
cultural identity. To be perfectly frank, I have struggled with what it means
to be a Chicana abroad for a long
time (what it means in a U.S. context is also of interest to me, but I want to
focus on what it means outside of the U.S.), and had some anxiety about living
in Mexico precisely because I was afraid of how people would see me. I was
afraid of being judged. When I found out about the opportunity to come to CIDE,
I realized it was an invaluable experience professionally and personally, and I
could not pass it up.
A LITTLE CONTEXT
Mexico has a historically and current conflict-ridden relationship with the US. There are economic policies like NAFTA and immigration
policies that have certainly, in my opinion, benefit the US disproportionately
and do not consider Mexican needs (to put it lightly). Also, for Mexicans who
have had experience in the US have likely found a racism and discrimination
that squelched any hope of generating a positive relationship between the two
countries. Americans promote rhetoric of the American Dream and our history of
“mixed heritage” on one hand, yet policies and societal behavior indicate an
insipid xenophobia.
However, there is still a strong embrace of certain aspects
of American culture in Mexico. Mexicans still want to immigrate, do business, vacation, study,
or work in the U.S. There are also a plethora of American products and customs
that have “crossed over” into Mexico (stores like Walmart and traditions such
as Halloween and Thanksgiving). One common trend is for Mexicans to go to the
U.S. just to go shopping because the prices are so much cheaper. There appears,
to me, to be some guilt associated with this. It is hard for people to say they
like something about a country and a culture that continues to promote
discriminatory policies against their own country. The story is much more
complicated, but the point is there is a complex and sometimes contradictory
history between the U.S. and Mexico.
LABELS
When I have been abroad in the past (France, Guatemala,
Peru, etc.), people generally do not understand how an American can look like
me (aka not white). When I explain my parents are of Mexican descent they say
one of two things: “Oh, so you’re Mexican” or “Uhh, what?” It’s not an easy
concept to explain, but here in Mexico people are very aware of the fact that there
are people in the U.S. of Mexican origin or descent. What to call them? Now
that is where it gets interesting. Are they Mexican? American? (Note: Saying
you are “American” in Spanish generally gets people mad because all people from
the continents of North and South America are considered “American”, despite
their nationality.) The idea of finding some term “in between” is difficult
both in the U.S. and abroad. I chose Chicana because I feel is accurately
represents what my identity means to me, but there are a variety of other terms
not based on nationality.
Here in Mexico, I am a gringa (a common term for Americans).
The official term for Americans is estadounidense….yeah,
doesn’t exactly roll of the tongue. A lot of people will just say gringo (for
men) or gringa (for women) because it’s easier, but it can also be used to
express historically rooted anger/frustration/hatred of those north of the
border. I accept the term gringa, mostly because while I was in Peru I found
gringa to be a relatively neutral term for any white foreigner. However, I have
sensed a judgmental use of the word gringa and against me. I have also been
told by Mexicans here in D.F. that gringo is used in a negative context
commonly, but not exclusively.
My speech has also been called pocho. This term, in my U.S. experience, is a negative way of
saying someone of Mexican descent is using a mix of English and Spanish,
implying they have lost their respect for Mexico and Spanish, bastardizing the
language. In D.F., I have heard the term quite a bit, not always in a negative
context, but still referring to an integration of English into primarily
Spanish rhetoric. At first it was painful to be called pocha, or to have my
speech be called pocho, and have accepted that its use here is somewhat
different than in my U.S. context.
GOING HOME
I consider the U.S. home. I was born and raised there, and
most of my family is there. It will be interesting to go back and see how my
identity will be viewed. Before coming, a few people jokingly commented, “Oh,
you’ll do just fine in Mexico, it’s not totally a foreign country for you”.
Well, ummm, last time I checked, it is. My heritage does not give me an innate
sense of belonging to a land I have only visited a few times. It reminds me
when my 1st grade teacher asked me to explain to the class some
Mexican history (Cinco de Mayo, specifically). Really? First of all, I am, like, what, 5
years old. Second of all, I have been sitting in the same classroom as everyone
else for the past, ummm, year. If you haven’t taught us Mexican history, how am
I to know? Ah of course, the Aztec gods of my ancestors will beam down some
knowledge to me. (Sorry, I will try to drop a bit of the snarkiness :P) But,
point being, I love Mexico, Mexican culture, my family, and my heritage. But,
that does not give me the right to claim a nationality and identity not my own.
While I am so happy to be in D.F. and spend time in Mexico,
it is not my home. I do have roots here, yes, without a doubt. I also am proud
to claim Mexican heritage. But, at the same time, I was not raised here. I do
not know what it means to be Mexican, and I do not feel correct claiming an
understanding or identity that is not mine. While I would be proud to be
Mexican, I have not found that just because my parents are of Mexican heritage
I can claim that identity. Being here in Mexico, I am treated like a foreigner,
which is perfectly fine. Because I am.
This is just my own opinion and thoughts, and I am certain
other Latinos and Chicanos born and/or raised in the U.S. have a WIDE range of
experiences and opinions. My point is just that. We all have our own individual
experiences and identity, and nationality is just one part of it. Any thoughts
are more than welcome! Thanks for reading ya’ll J
